Silent Season.

I had to do it.

I have no regrets.

I closed doors. I opened others. I was selfish with my time. I was selfish with my love. This is for me.

Have you ever been in a whirlwind of thoughts and emotions? Not a clear thought if you tried? On constant autopilot, stuck in a constant state of feeling unsettled. I had no idea what was going on. I was anxious, I was depressed, I was confused. I felt every emotion you could have as a mother and a woman. It was time to take a break.

It took me almost 3 months to sort things out. I cut off associates, I cut off friends, I even reduced the amount of time I spent with members of my family outside of my home. I had to do this for me. I became just a mother, wife and employee. Anything outside of that, I did not have the strength to be. I didn’t want anyone confiding in me, consulting with me and I didn’t want to help anyone that I was not within my four walls. As the days passed, I began to think about my life, where it was going and what I was doing. I’ve always had the dream of going back to school and finishing what I started. I never wanted to just settle. But, is that the path for me? A month has gone by now with little to no interaction with the outside world. I start back meditating and seeking out my purpose in life. No answers. I thought this what was what I needed? Why am I getting no answers? My mind is still too full. Spent less time on social media. More time introverted. More time passes. My heart is closed off to relationships but yet, people reach out to me. Why? I am in no position to be interacting with anyone at this point in my life.

Or am I?

I reached out to those I was at odds with (In my mind)

The universe begins to align itself in my favor.

You’ve been called to help people. Help people? Me? Really? But I already knew that.

But what YOU wanted, was clouding your judgement.

Your purpose was behind the clouds.

My heart begins to open up again. I start loving myself beyond words. I begin to love my husband in a different way. Not the “because he’s my husband” way. But in the, “you are my partner, my friend, we are team love.” The faults I saw in him were just my way of not allowing myself to fully love anyone or myself. Our 13 year anniversary is next month. I am just now knowing how to love him. That’s another story.

I start to understand my children and how to love them.

I look up and see the sun is shining a little brighter because I realize after 3 months of walking around with my head down. The creator, God has restored me.

I have arrived.

My silent season is over.

Amber JohnsonComment